Dominant vs. Domineering

Like most everything else in life, the basis for a good D/s-M relationship is a solid foundation.  If the foundation is inadequate the structure will eventually crumble.

The confident Dominant will be the pillar of strength in the D/s relationship.  A domineering man may be putting you at risk, both emotionally and physically.  The very nature of a D/s relationship enables domineering people to masquerade as Dominants.  Eventually their submissive will realize that they are not being fed by this person and will want out of the relationship all together.

“Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”  John Dalberg-Acton  1887

Due to the severe consequences of the misuse of power, both Dominants and submissives should yield caution to this topic.  A Dominant is empowered by his submissive.  This power that he reins can be like a drug to a domineering person and all the while, a great feeling of responsibility to a true Dominant.

A Dominant can be described in many ways, let us look at some important attributes that you could expect to find in a Dominant.  We will also explore some of the subtle but significant differences between a Dominant person and a domineering person.

A Dominant is a leader first and foremost.

A Dominant person is one who mentors others and leads through education and guidance.  Great leaders create an environment that will encourage others to grow and excel.  They are always building others up, not tearing them down.  A leader is confident and always in control of himself.  It is important that a leader maintains consistency in everything he does.  A leader should always have a plan or a purpose for his actions.  A great leader is someone that others want to follow, not someone that others have to follow.

A domineering person often exercises arbitrary and overbearing control over others.

This type of person likes to control people or situations for the sole purpose of being in control and will not tolerate any questioning of his authority.  A domineering person gets a rush from controlling other people.  They destroy the spirit of others.  This person may want you to do things that you are not comfortable doing and pressure you by saying that they know best and that they are only pushing your limits.  They may not respect their own rules, limits or contracts, again stating that they know best.  Some domineering people may also disregard a previously agreed to safe word or exclaim that no such mechanism is required.  There can never be enough said regarding a person that fails to respect a safe word or questions whether a safe word is necessary.

A Dominant person is always accountable.

A Dominant person gathers all available information and makes sound decisions.  Sometimes his decisions are in error or need to be adjusted.  The Dominant is responsible for his actions and will own his mistakes.

A domineering person never admits his mistakes.

This type of person seldom apologizes and does not take any personal responsibility for their actions.  If they do apologize it is usually condescending and insincere in nature.  They will blame their mistakes on others and usually start an argument with the other person to avoid conversation.  They often blame the submissive by telling them that they are not good enough or not a true submissive.

A Dominant person puts his submissive’s needs ahead of his own.

A Dominant knows that he must first nourish or feed his submissive’s mind, body and soul before feeding himself.  A happy healthy submissive is nourishment enough for a Dominant.  He is not fed by physical pleasure for himself but rather by the pleasure that he brings his submissive.  After all of his submissive’s needs have been met, and only after, the Dominant can consider his own needs.

A domineering person is a selfish person.

This type of person tends to always be asking, “What is in it for me?”  They tend to be self-serving and are not concerned about what is in the best interest of their submissive but rather what satisfaction they can receive from their own actions.  This type of person will put his feelings and needs above that of his submissive’s.  This will leave the emotional and physical needs of the submissive unmet.

A Dominant person communicates effectively.

A good communicator is clear and concise and realizes that communication is a skill of more than just spoken words.  Communication consists of many different facets including words, tone, inference, body language and physical situation.  A Dominant would never speak down to his submissive, he cherishes her.  It is important that the Dominant can create an environment in which his submissive can feel heard and understood.  This is an often overlooked but highly important key to effective communication.  When asked about effective communication most people only think of how they can effectively communicate their point of view, when in fact, to truly communicate you need to actively listen.  Remember, there is no communication happening when one person is yelling.

A domineering person fails to properly communicate.

This type of person seldom solicits input or listens to suggestions from others, especially from their submissive.  They also fail to explain themselves or their point of view.  They will often become angry or agitated when asked about their decisions.  A domineering person is always threatening to get his way sometimes even threatening to withdraw all together and usually telling his submissive that it is their fault.

A great Dominant is not only a magnificent leader but also a true gentleman.  He would display impeccable manners, manners from another era.  Not just please and thank you but more refined manners such as opening doors, rising from the table to greet someone or rising from the table when a lady excuses herself and later returns, or simply pulling a chair out for a lady.  A gentleman would also possess concern and empathy toward others.

A Dominant takes pride in himself, from his appearance to his actions.  A well dressed and well groomed man conveys confidence and maturity.

Mr Fox