Dominant vs. Domineering

Like most everything else in life, the basis for a good D/s-M relationship is a solid foundation.  If the foundation is inadequate the structure will eventually crumble.

The confident Dominant will be the pillar of strength in the D/s relationship.  A domineering man may be putting you at risk, both emotionally and physically.  The very nature of a D/s relationship enables domineering people to masquerade as Dominants.  Eventually their submissive will realize that they are not being fed by this person and will want out of the relationship all together.

“Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”  John Dalberg-Acton  1887image

Due to the severe consequences of the misuse of power, both Dominants and submissives should yield caution to this topic.  A Dominant is empowered by his submissive.  This power that he reins can be like a drug to a domineering person and all the while, a great feeling of responsibility to a true Dominant.

A Dominant can be described in many ways, let us look at some important attributes that you could expect to find in a Dominant.  We will also explore some of the subtle but significant differences between a Dominant person and a domineering person.

A Dominant is a leader first and foremost.

A Dominant person is one who mentors others and leads through education and guidance.  Great leaders create an environment that will encourage others to grow and excel.  They are always building others up, not tearing them down.  A leader is confident and always in control of himself.  It is important that a leader maintains consistency in everything he does.  A leader should always have a plan or a purpose for his actions.  A great leader is someone that others want to follow, not someone that others have to follow.

A domineering person often exercises arbitrary and overbearing control over others.

This type of person likes to control people or situations for the sole purpose of being in control and will not tolerate any questioning of his authority.  A domineering person gets a rush from controlling other people.  They destroy the spirit of others.  This person may want you to do things that you are not comfortable doing and pressure you by saying that they know best and that they are only pushing your limits.  They may not respect their own rules, limits or contracts, again stating that they know best.  Some domineering people may also disregard a previously agreed to safe word or exclaim that no such mechanism is required.  There can never be enough said regarding a person that fails to respect a safe word or questions whether a safe word is necessary.

A Dominant person is always accountable.

A Dominant person gathers all available information and makes sound decisions.  Sometimes his decisions are in error or need to be adjusted.  The Dominant is responsible for his actions and will own his mistakes.

A domineering person never admits his mistakes.

This type of person seldom apologizes and does not take any personal responsibility for their actions.  If they do apologize it is usually condescending and insincere in nature.  They will blame their mistakes on others and usually start an argument with the other person to avoid conversation.  They often blame the submissive by telling them that they are not good enough or not a true submissive.image

A Dominant person puts his submissive’s needs ahead of his own.

A Dominant knows that he must first nourish or feed his submissive’s mind, body and soul before feeding himself.  A happy healthy submissive is nourishment enough for a Dominant.  He is not fed by physical pleasure for himself but rather by the pleasure that he brings his submissive.  After all of his submissive’s needs have been met, and only after, the Dominant can consider his own needs.

A domineering person is a selfish person.

This type of person tends to always be asking, “What is in it for me?”  They tend to be self-serving and are not concerned about what is in the best interest of their submissive but rather what satisfaction they can receive from their own actions.  This type of person will put his feelings and needs above that of his submissive’s.  This will leave the emotional and physical needs of the submissive unmet.

A Dominant person communicates effectively.

A good communicator is clear and concise and realizes that communication is a skill of more than just spoken words.  Communication consists of many different facets including words, tone, inference, body language and physical situation.  A Dominant would never speak down to his submissive, he cherishes her.  It is important that the Dominant can create an environment in which his submissive can feel heard and understood.  This is an often overlooked but highly important key to effective communication.  When asked about effective communication most people only think of how they can effectively communicate their point of view, when in fact, to truly communicate you need to actively listen.  Remember, there is no communication happening when one person is yelling.

A domineering person fails to properly communicate.

This type of person seldom solicits input or listens to suggestions from others, especially from their submissive.  They also fail to explain themselves or their point of view.  They will often become angry or agitated when asked about their decisions.  A domineering person is always threatening to get his way sometimes even threatening to withdraw all together and usually telling his submissive that it is their fault.

imageA great Dominant is not only a magnificent leader but also a true gentleman.  He would display impeccable manners, manners from another era.  Not just please and thank you but more refined manners such as opening doors, rising from the table to greet someone or rising from the table when a lady excuses herself and later returns, or simply pulling a chair out for a lady.  A gentleman would also possess concern and empathy toward others.

A Dominant takes pride in himself, from his appearance to his actions.  A well dressed and well groomed man conveys confidence and maturity.

Mr Fox

32 thoughts on “Dominant vs. Domineering

    • LK,

      You are very kind. This is a portrait of what your Dominant strives everyday to be.

      You have bestowed a great responsibility on me and I take my part very seriously.

      Mr. Fox

    • Cpmandara,

      I couldn’t agree more with you. I have mentioned this point in several of my posts.

      It is the formula that makes this entire D/s-M lifestyle so erotic to me. The Dominant yields the power over his submissive but it is the submissive that grants the Dominant that very power. The Dominant needs to always realize that the submissive always has the ability to take the power back at anytime without question or explanation.

      Mr. Fox

  1. This is a very well-thought, well-written post. Thank you for sharing it. Now, do you believe that a natural-born leader, as you describe him in you post, that treats her wife equally and with respect and somehow cautioned to not overstep her emotions and confidence, can be tempted and talked through become a dominant husband? I am a very proud woman, pretty much confident on my skin and a feminist in many ways but I know that intimately can and wish to be a submissive. I believe I have many elements that indicate me so but I had it in me always as I can recall and now, with more knowledge, I can identify it. Although I still don’t see how he can turn into a dominant with such responsibilities if he doesn’t “carry the gene” within him. At least that is my perception by knowing him for 15 years now. Perhaps I am very bad at persuasion inside the intimacy arena because deep inside I expect direction, instruction, dominance. I know he projects in bed the treatment that I normally receive as an equal, proud, strong woman and am finding it very difficult to approach my husband with such request. I feel terrified to bring up a bad first experience for me with an unexperienced dominant and also for him as a very strange territory. I know, faith in change is what I am lacking. Some light will be much appreciated.

    He does not take care nor provide for my every needs, it is mutually understood at home that we are very independet, economically and in many aspects of our personal lives. I am terrified to introduce such change in my relationship but at the same time feel such an efervecent desire to be a submissive. Can he truly change and become my dominant?

    I apologize for the lenghty comment, I am just reaching for guidance and my words seemed like an escape at the time.

    • Mirka,

      “Now, do you believe that a natural-born leader, as you describe him in you post, that treats her wife equally and with respect and somehow cautioned to not overstep her emotions and confidence, can be tempted and talked through become a dominant husband? ”

      You just described me exactly just one year ago, and yet here I am today.

      “Although I still don’t see how he can turn into a dominant with such responsibilities if he doesn’t “carry the gene” within him.”

      I have heard several Dominants speak of such a “gene”. Many of those same Dominants should read this very post, they have a lot to learn. Of course I believe that some people are born leaders and some are born to behave submissively but I also believe that instinctually most men have a natural desire to provide for their families and spouses. In recent times our societal pressures have repressed this natural tendency in the name of equality. Equality is a must, however, there always has to be a leader in order for there to be true harmony and balance in a relationship.

      “Can he truly change and become my dominant?”

      This question I can not answer for you. Transitioning from a husband to a Dominant, becoming a husDom, is not necessarily an easy transition but it certainly can be accomplished. It takes a lot of honest communication and genuine effort from both parties involved.

      My Little Kaninchen was instrumental in my successful transition and has mentored many woman in your exact position.

      Visit her at

      If you would like to contact her directly her email is

      If I can be of any more assistance do not hesitate to ask.

      Mr. Fox

  2. I couldn’t agree more. Making this mistake was quite costly to me. Wish I knew this when I started out…. May I re-blog?

  3. I love this! I’ve always referred to those domineering people as Creepy Dom/me. And I’ve also heard a lot of people talk about a “Dominant gene” or a “submissive gene.” While, yes, I definitely agree that some people are just born with a tendency to lead, there’s SO very much more to being a Dominant than a potential genetic predisposition, and I think a lot of people don’t realize that or don’t want to acknowledge it. Beautifully written… Thank you for sharing this!

    • Domina Jen,

      Welcome aboard!

      Agreed, being a Dominant takes a lot of continuous effort. A good Dominant is not born a good Dominant and a good Dominant is always learning and growing as a Dominant and as a person.

      Thanks for following.

      Mr. Fox

  4. Mr. Fox,
    Thank your wife, lol. I’ve been following her for a little bit, and when she re-blogged this post, I became intrigued. Between her obvious love for you and joy in being yours, and the couple of posts of yours I’ve read today, you seem like an awesome person and an awesome Dom. And I love, love, LOVE talking to fellow Dominants of all ages, cultures, backgrounds, etc. I look forward to reading more of your posts!


    • Kenzie,

      Thanks for stopping by. I’m honored that you liked my post.

      I agree, there is something in this for everyone, including myself.

      Mr. Fox

  5. Reblogged this on ….to know the real me… and commented:
    Wonderfully written and very important information for all of us.. I have had doubts in the past if a certain Dominant was right for me…this confirms what I have known all along..domineering is NOT Dominance! Thank you for writing this:-)

    • Cassiandrana,

      Welcome aboard!

      “this confirms what I have known all along..”

      I believe that everyone probably knows way deep down. In the beginning the submissive may just want it to work so badly that she convinces herself that it will change. A domineering man doesn’t feed the submissive and eventually without nourishment (taking care of her psychologically) her body will dry up.

      Honored for the re-blog.

      Mr. Fox

  6. The Invisible Woman,

    I must say that I am no expert on the matter. I can only write from my personal experiences and my opinions, and you know what they say about opinions.

    “A domineering man may be putting you at risk, both emotionally and physically.”

    I pulled this statement from my post.

    Mr. Fox

  7. Reblogged this on The DD Side of Things and commented:
    I love this post! I find it to be very accurate in articulating the difference between someone who is dominant and someone who simply needs to be in control. It goes along with some of the things I said in my post “What is Domestic Discipline?”

  8. The Lady,

    Welcome aboard!

    I am happy that my post has touched you, and I appreciate the re-blog.

    I will head over and read your “What is Domestic Discipline” post right now.

    Mr Fox

    • Professor Taboo,

      I was truly surprised when I saw that you posted a link to this post on another blog, honored really. Many thanks…

      I hope your son’s tournament went well for him last week. how did he do?

      And much luck to you, studying for the special education certification that you seek. I for one have great confidence in your abilities and am confident that you will succeed next month.

      Mr. Fox

      • Your kind words & support are appreciated. My son & his team won the tournament. He played very well. You spoke of the heat here in Texas; as a catcher in all that equipment, he was exhausted in the final game. Coaches rested him, thankfully. They now go to bi-district playoffs. If they do well there, they’ll go to regionals in Louisiana. Thank you for asking Sir!

  9. Well said. While I might quibble over some of the smaller lines, the vast majority of the details and certainly the thrust is deadly accurate. This is what I was explaining to my darkling as the difference between simply a bully on a power trip and a dominant. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

    • Maestro,

      There are seldom two people that will see things exactly the same. I am elated that you agree with the over majority and thrust of the post.

      To your point regarding the bully on a power trip and a dominant, that is exactly what I was trying to portrait in this post. There is a major difference.

      Thanks for the comment, you are always welcome.

      Mr Fox

  10. I am involved with the domineering man. I have read this post i dont know how many times. Finally ran from him,only to find myself back again after 6 months away, 2 months in the honeymoon stage of lovebombing and huge promises, is again over and it’s domineering not dominating. How do i break this god awful cycle. When its good its Heaven, when its bad, its worse than living hell. sincerely p

  11. Pingback: Dom – loveohyes

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s